Last Thursday my phone line went dead, and with it my internet service (I’m not on dial up, ok??? It’s DSL). Needless to say, I freaked out. What, no blog? Fan forum, Myspace, email?

I was devastated to say the least. So I tried to contact the phone company (Ass & Autistic Terminals) to get them to fix my line. I was then presented with a friendly guy robot, let’s call him Andy (yes, that one) for the purpose of making this story more entertaining than it is, ok?

Andy informs me in his really cheery voice, “Did you know that you may be eligible for better rates on your long distance phone calls? Stay on the line and I will tell you all about it. By the way, this call is important to us, so don’t worry. You will be presented with a menu…”

Andy then proceeds to sell me stuff. Do I want to purchase this? Say yes, or say continue. Do you want to order that? No? Did you say no? Oh I see, you said yes. NOOOO!!!! It was pretty pathetic. I waited for close to what seemed like 10 minutes for this banter to end, and then was provided a menu, of which no choice was presented for emergency repairs, so I said, “Emergency Repair”. Andy responds with, “I’m sorry, you said Internet Rates, right?”  Noooooo!!!!!  I finally get the repair menus, but guess what? The interface changes. I no longer talk my commands, but type numbers instead…

Andy then informs me that my phone appears to be working. It passed the test. Well, it tested the cell phone I was on, not my line. I realized this when he asked if there was another number I wanted to test besides the one I was calling from. You can’t make this shit up. Seriously. I was livid…

28 minutes later Andy hangs up on me. I am out of a phone and internet. I feel angry, but determined. I do it all again. ALL.

I finally get a human, and he informs me that it will be fixed by Saturday! I tell him about Andy, trying really hard not to unleash on the guy, because he was actually really helpful. He informs me that Andy is responsible for him being abused quite a bit on a daily basis. Not fair I say. He agrees. Andy must die.

On Saturday they arrive, see that my telephone box is on the second floor and they forgot their ladder. This means Wednesday. I guess it takes four days to find a ladder…

So this is why I have not posted or uploaded anything. Andy.

Andy. Must. Die.